Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I CAN SAVE ESPN

ESPN is cleaning house. For over a year, subscribers have been jumping ship due to lack of entertaining content and the appearance of biased reporting Now they're dumping talent, buying out contracts and seem to be in financial ruin  And while the deterioration of the Worldwide Leader seems like news, if you've been paying attention, you've seen this day coming for a long time. And it's not because they pay no-talent's like Dan LeBatard more than what he deserves (minimum wage). It's because they gave people like that a platform to begin with  And while being PC and race baiting may be popular in society these days, it's not entertaining. It's become the norm to throw out baseless accusations of racism and misogyny. And while you'll get pats on the back from Twitter and will always have a seat at the PC cool kids table, it doesn't buy you ratings.
I, like many Patriots fans, have 0 respect for ESPN. And while most are celebrating the demise of the Mothership, I'm broken up about it. What fun is being a superhero if your nemesis just lays down and gives up. So, I'm extending my wing and opening a spot right under it. If ESPN wants to take it, here's all they have to do.

1. Get Rid Of The 6.
Seems obvious. I mean, we all know it's terrible, right? So, let's move on.

2. White Men Are Your Friend.
We all know white men are a stain on society. Evil people, every one of them. But some of them are entertaining. So suppress your urge to say I'm Mansplaining, and just listen. If you find an entertaining man, even if he's white, give him a shot.

3. Learn From Your Enemies.
There's a reason Bill Simmons and Pardon My Take kick your ass in podcasting every week. People like cursing. People like jokes People like shit you can't get EVERYWHERE. Embrace the internet. Use it to put out edgy content. Stop allowing your billion dollar company to lose out to guys in their garage.

4. MOST IMPORTANT-Stop being pussies.
I apologize for the hardo lede, but grow a fucking backbone. When one of your guys gets in trouble, talk about it. You can't ignore controversy anymore. If someone tweets something dumb, let him defend himself. This will do two things. A. Provide content. B. Maybe not ruin an innocent persons reputation. Don't turn the network into TMZ. But when something comes up, defend your talent. At least for, like, a minute.

I hope they listen to my advice. If not, we will all get the benefit of watching this garbage pile of a network go up in flames Either way, entertainment is a guarantee.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

THE BIGGEST JOKE IN COMEDY, DIVERSITY

Race and gender now consume the hearts and minds of our society. The Me Generation, which I am a part of, thrive on attention. There's no quicker way to get thaon a t than standing up and crying bigotry. Comedy is no different. And as a comedy fan, I've noticed a deterioration in thinking over the last decade The conversation is no longer who is funniest. It's shifted to always looking for who is being excluded. If there's a show starring all men, we ignore the quality and ask where the women are. If there's a show with all white people, we assume they can't possibly be the best people for the job and accuse them of racism. We don't want an accurate representation of our community. We just want a cause that makes us feel important.
The worst part about the people that put diversity over quality is, they're the most marginalizing, exclusionary people that exist. They want to push forward Hispanic comedians. But it will never be someone like Luis J. Gomez. Because he doesn't call himself a beaner and put on a silly accent. They want to push forward gay comedians. But it will never be someone like Tim Dillon. Because he isn't a flamboyant caricature. They put people into categories and decide who should be allowed to succeed. And the most disturbing trend is that straight, white men don't have a seat at that table. Because these champions of equality and progression have decided your race and gender should dictate success. And if you're a white guy, you shouldn't be judged on skill or merit. But rather, what people who looked like you did in the past.
Now, the people I'm talking about will read this and use the atomic bomb of racism to squash my argument. They'll say I'm just an angry, hateful white guy But first of all, I'm legally blind. I don't see color. Or much of anything really. I'm one of those disabled's you pretend to care about. More importantly, my taste in comedy isn't clouded by race or gender. I like white comics like Louis CK, Bill Burr and John Mulaney. I like black comics like Dave Chappelle, Hannibal Burress and Michael Che. I support men like Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope and ladies like Chelsea Peretti and Nikki Glasser. But what I hate is that I have to list who I'm into, like I'm submitting my resume for approval to prove my opinion should be allowed. There's no quicker way to silence someone then by slapping the scarlet R for racism on their chest. But not everyone that thinks of white men as equals has fantasies 1800's southern plantations. Some of us are just calling out a clear hypocrisy.
Now, I also realize writing something like this is futile. The clip I used of Jerry Seinfeld is from a few years ago and while he put it far more brilliantly than I ever could, his message was ignored. But I wrote this because I believe in it. While others write things for Twitter applause, I try to make points I know I can defend And I'd love to debate anyone who disagrees with me because I like a debate and I know there's substance behind my words So we can have that discussion. Or you can continue to put your fingers in your ears and cry racism. Just know, it's up to you.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

DAVE CHAPPELLE'S NEW SPECIAL COULD BE UP THERE WITH THE GREATEST EVER

Dave Chappelle just did one of the most impressive things ever in comedy. This is a guy who was on top of the world, walked away from 50 million dollars, had the entire country insist he lost his mind came back, had videos of him drunkenly getting booed off stage surface, and after all that, put out not one, but two of the best hours of stand up I've ever watched. And the most amazing part about it is, he remained himself. He didn't wear a whacky outfit. He didn't totally shy away from the content that made him popular, just to fit in with the cool kids at the PC table. He didn't suddenly feel the need to jam his girthy political views down your throat, after never giving a shit about politics. He's done what only a couple guys like Chris Rock and Louis CK have been able to do. Not let money and fame change his voice.
I don't want to be that guy that just sees something new and has to go way overboard in calling it the best ever. Everyone loves jumping to now equaling better. Before I can call this one of the greatest ever, I need to let it settle in my mind. I'll give both hours another watch. Probably on some medicinal substances next time to enhance my thinking. So for now I'll just call it 2 brilliant hours. And just so you trust my word, I'll give you a taste of my favorite stand up specials of all time. And before the snobs get up my ass, I acknowledge Pryor and Carlin are the GOAT's. But I'm 25.Just because I don't list Lenny Bruce and Woody Allen as my favorite's doesn't mean I don't respect their impact on comedy. It means I'm not a phony, pretentious hipster that thinks I'll sound smart by talking down to you about guys that weren't speaking to my generation.

5, Jim Jefferies-Freedumb

4. John Mulaney- New In Town

3. Louis CK-Hilarious Chewed Up, Shameless...Take your pick

2. Dave Chappelle-Killing Them Softly

1. Bill Burr- I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

Honorable Mentions- Brian Regan was the first special I remember gasping for air, laughing at. Jim Norton is one of my favorite guys to listen to but his his two best specials I put a level below these. Dave Attell, Hannibal Burress and Doug Stanhope were the 3 closest to replacing Jefferies and Mulaney. Chelsea Peretti and Bo Burnham did really weird interesting shit with their latest specials. I could've made the whole top 5 Louis, Burr, and Chappelle but wanted to give other guys some credit.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

THE PATRIOTS SLAPPED MALCOLM BUTLER IN THE FACE

A nobody, undrafted free agent named Malcolm Butler picking off Russell Wilson to give the Patriots a 4th Super Bow was probably the greatest moment of my sports life. It's in the running for the greatest moment of my life, in general. I don't lead a very exciting life. But that's neither here nor there. The point is in two seconds, Malcolm Butler became a legend in New England. And after a once in a once in a lifetime moment like that, most guys move into David Tyree's home for one hit wonders. But Malcolm threw a future Hall of Famer out on his ass, took over the number 1 corner spot, and became a Pro Bowler. All while playing for the league minimum. If this man asks for an evening with your wife you should shake his hand and thank him for asking first. Instead he received a wet snot filled loogie to the bridge of his nose courtesy of Bill Belichick.
Before you go nuts, I acknowledge BB is the GOAT. He's rarely made the wrong move in tese situations and when he does it's quickly corrected. From a football standpoint I have no issue with the signing of Stephon Gilmore. But to pay a guy market value or above while a Super Bowl hero, who has done everything you've asked of him and worked his ass off, is god damn disrespectful.
The NFL is a business and I respect the hell out of Belichick for running it as such, even when most would let emotion take over. But when it comes to giving a guy who has done a lot for you proper respect he failed today. When you have an All Pro player making the minimum and give him a front row seat to watch you give the money he's earned to an outsider who hasn't played in your system  and is, at best, an equal player, it shows you have no respect for your guys. At least, that will be the perception to others in that locker room.
Wild Bill is a CEO. And as such, he can't and shouldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks of him or his moves. I'm not asking for a softer, cuddlier Belichick. In fact, I'm not even demanding he pays Malcolm Butler. The Jamie Collins trade was just the latest example that any player that doesn't wear number 12 is expendable. But when you show you're willing to pay, and that guy is a CB, and his name is not Malcolm Butler, I see that as disrespect It says to every one of your guys, I don't give a fuck about you, no matter what you've done here.
Butler may even come back this year. Or by the time I post this, he may have already been traded. Stephon Gilmore may turn out to be an upgrade at that position. I will never be so silly as to suggest BB is making the wrong football move. But as a man I think you pay back those who have done so much for you. I usually love when Bill swings his dick around. This time, it felt unnecessary. Malcolm Butler deserves to be paid and I hope he will be. If not here, somewhere else.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

THE PATRIOTS ARE IN FOR A MESSY END WITH TOM BRADY

The kid in me never wants to see Superman leave. I'm not old enough to remember Drew Bledsoe starting a game for the New England Patriots. If you let little boy Mike have his way, Pedro, Nomr, Paul Pierce and Tedy Bruschi would all still be chipping away at their billion dollar contracts , while President Adam Sndler passes legislation on pizza and ice cream Friday's. But little Mikey doesn't run things. The real ruler of New England is a cold, calculated man named Bil Belichick. A boy who read the trades at story time and told his mother when to go to bed. If there's anyone who gives less of a fuck about nostalgia, I've missed them. And if Jimmy Garoppolo isn't traded now, it's not because BB will miss gazing into those baby blues. It's because he's the guy who will replace the GOAT.
This is not me saying that the Patriots should cut Brady, or that TB12 is washed up. I'm simply telling you that our boyish desire to see Tommy finish his career here on his terms is not shared by the coach. He's traded Jamie Collins and Richard Seymour. He's cut Vince Wilfork and Lawyer Milloy. He's let Ty Law and Wes the potential of a walk. And to us, none of those guys are Tom Brady. But to BB, they're all just a cap number that is or is not living up to their value. TB12 has far exceeded that value every year of his career. But in Bill's notebook, you don't get credit for past performance. nd when that computer of a man looks at a 40 year old QB, the oldest skill player in the league, vs. a 25 year old who he feels has the potential to be the next guy, there's only one logical answer to that equation.
Bill hasn't always had Tom at that position. He lived through Cleveland with no one and when he got here he had a washed up Drew Bledsoe. He knows how difficult it is to find THE guy. He got incredibly lucky that the 199th pick in the draft was the greatest ever. And now, when he looks at Jimmy G's potential, 1, 3 or even 5 years of whatever Brady has left, doesn't equal the benefit of finding the next guy.
I know any Patriots fan that reads this will jump straight to me saying Brady's done. Let me be clear, I'm not a fool. There are no signs, other than his age, that Brady is close to done. But no one has ever stayed at this level into their 40's. And personally, I'm of the belief that the the Patriots owe it to Brady to let him go out on his terms. But, I assure you, Wild Bill does not share that sentimental belief. So this is not my The Patriots aren't good anymore moment. This is not dummy Max Kellerman saying Brady's about to fall off a cliff. This is just my attempt to warn you. If the Patriots do not trade Jimmy now, you best get your bib. Because it's going to get messy.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS REPRESENT AMERICA

The New England Patriots won yet another Super Bowl in historic fashion. And much to the dismay of many, there is no cheating scandal this time. So, the sensationalist, race and click baiting media has had to resort to go back to singing their favorite tune. These one-hit wonders do nothing better than cry racism. And due to a lack of conformity of thought in the organization and lack of liberal pandering, the Patriots have been branded with a scarlet R on their chests. But in reality, they're more representative of America than most organizations are willing to be.
As far as racist organizations go, the Patriots are pretty lazy. They've completely forgotten to oppress and silence their minority employees. I feel like that's rule one of racism. Guys like Martellus Bennett and Devin McCourty have not only expressed their political beliefs but said they will not go to the White House as a protest of Donald Trump. Most good oppressors would whack Robert Kraft for not silencing them. In fact the Kraft family endorsed their ability to express their political beliefs. Some laid back racism if I've ever seen it.
Tom Brady has also taken some of this heat. The guy that goes to the Kentucky Derby with Vince Wilfork, has given 2 cars to black teammates, citing they were more deserving of the MP's he got, and spent his 4th of July convincing Kevin Durant to come to Boston, is a racist for not denouncing Donald Trump. Which is possible. Not everyone that hangs around with black people is free of racial hatred. But when the only evidence disproves your argument, it's hard for me to hop on board.
In reality what the Patriots are, is not a racist organization, but a diverse one. They have members who have supported Trump, to varying degrees, and some who have vocally criticized him. And they have what has become my favorite group of people. Those who keep their mouths shut. It's become rare to keep your political beliefs to yourself. People feel the need to bombard your timeline with political nonsense, much like I'm doing right now. But I don't know how a lot of the guys in that locker room think. But I know they have guys that lean both right and left and allowed them to express their beliefs to whatever degree they wish. In a time where unilateral thought is encouraged and unpopular speech is silenced, that's refreshing to see.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

DAN LE BATARD HAS A RESPONSABILITY TO GO ON KIRK AND CALLAHAN

If you don't know who Dan Le Batard is it's because you probably only watch entertaining televisio4n. But if you find yourself contemplating sawing your ears off around 4pm, you've likely accidentally stumbled onto the Dan Le Batard Show on ESPN. During which, Dan and his race baiting buddy, Bomani Jones, search high and low for someone to call a racist. Meanwhile, Le Batard's Cuban father, who barely speaks English, is sat in the corner in a silly hat, as a prop. Le Batard also allegedly does a national radio show. Although, looking through the top 40 rated stations in Boston, I found no evidence of this vicious rumor.
Dan's latest attempt at Social Justice glory is suggesting that the Patriots are somehow racist because their top receivers are white. Dan and Bomani have taken up the cause that Boston is a racist city, ever since Gordon Hayward was cheered by Celtics fans. Kirk Minihane and Gerry Callahan of WEEI's Kirk and Callahan show in Boston called them out for this. They've invited Dan and Bomani on their show numerous times and were ignored. Kirk called Bomani's show and was hung up on. So after accusing one of the biggest markets in the country of widespread racism, they've pretended they don't exist.
Now, I'm all for lies. There's nothing better to get you out of a jam or stir up a buzz for your show no one watches. But the key to a good lie is sticking to it. You can't just make a blanket statemet about a large group of people, based on previous judgements, and ignore anyone with a different opinion. It's escaping me, but there's a name for people like that. And I'm all for this type of show being on the air. Because, despite its idiocy, it reflects a segment of the population. The problem is the opposite would never be allowed on ESPN. Two conservative white guys would never be allowed to give their views on race, for an hour, or even a minute a day. We've allowed race baiting to become a money maker in this country. You're allowed to call, particularly white men, racists with impunity. And no matter that persons true beliefs, they've been branded a bigot in the eyes of the public.
I'd have a lot more respect for guys like Le Batard if they responded to their critics. But when you have no substance to your claims, they become difficult to defend. He knows a show like Kirk and Callahan would leave him naked and neutered. And with Dan's physique, that's not a good look. Which leaves me with one request of ESPN. Either put on a show that doesn't fit the exact cookie cutter, liberal, PC views that's usually seen on ESPN. Or force your people to defend their claims, when they accuse people of being a hateful, exclusionary bunch. Without that, you're just a joke.