The noise doesn't stop. Now it's about midnight and it hasn't stopped so I put on my fedora and trench coat and do some investigating. What it turned out to be was a motion censored, cackling witch Halloween decoration. Which, If you live out in the sticks where I grew up, it's cute I guess. If you live in the city, you're the kind of psychopath that would instill fear in Charles Manson. I live on one of the busiest streets in town. Every time a car or person pass by or even a heavy gust of wind, I hear the Wizard of Oz flying monkeys scene outside my window.
So as I lay staring at my celling, trying to remember the formula Walter White used to disintegrate bodies, I realize last night was only October 18. There's at least 12 more nights of this nut reeking havoc on the neighborhood. So I start thinking solutions. I could walk over there and smash it. But with my eyes, at night, I'd no doubt trip on something or kick something over and now I'm in fisticuffs on my neighbors front porch in a Hall of Fame white trash scene. I could call the cops. But I hear snitches get stitches. So after I said Fuck da Police, I put on my Dre Beats, oddly enough, and took the route of the coward.
Eventually every coward reaches his breaking point. We always knew I would snap in spectacular fashion. We just weren't sure what would be the driving force. In due time I'll be talking to Bob Saccomana and watching How to build a bomb videos on YouTube. Now in all seriousness, if some rogue neighborhood hero takes justice into his own hands, I'll have a lot of questions to answer. But for a true Patriot like that, it would be an honor to serve their sentence.
PS-These are obviously jokes. You'd think I wouldn't have to say that but with the Mary's in today's society, I'll be accused of witch shaming or being offensive to Halloween enthusiasts. Don't want them to die. I just want them to never sleep again, then kill themselves.