Tuesday, November 29, 2016

MY 5 FAVORITE PATRICE O'NEAL BITS ON THE 5 YEAR ANIVERSARY OF HIS PASSING

We lost the great Patrice O'Neal 5 years ago today. As often happens with artists and entertainers, we appreciate them  more  after they die. But even still, Patrice was part of some of the greatest Opie and Anthony bits and underappreciated stand up that many people still aren't familiar with. So And I've been lazy on the blog since I had a death in my own family. So, since I'm feeling nostalgic, I figured I'd use today to turn some people on to some of Patrice's best shit. Some of these are a long listen so come back to them when you've got a minute.

Bobo Up and Down Game
Greatest laugh ever. Opie and Anthony had this guy Bobo in studio. They discovered that when you describe any sex related activity with a woman, Bobo got hard as a rock. When you started to talk about the Mets, 12 to 6. Talk about a woman again, fully erect, immediately. Patrice's reaction was legendary.

What's a Sport
The debate of what constitutes a sport is almost hack at this point. But Patrice's take on how to make fringe sports into actual sports. His idea to turn things like golf and bowling into real sports is brilliant and I'm surprised a channel like Spike hasn't tried it yet.

Harassment Day
Elephant In The Room was an awesome special. This was probably my favorite bit from that. Something that will probably be taken as sexist in our new world but the brilliance with how he approaches topics like that is so unique.

High Quality White Women
The basic idea of this bit has been done before but that's the genius of guys lie Patrice. No topic is hack or played out if you're able to put an original spin on it. And the balls it took to allow an entire bit to be hinged on the whole crowd not knowing that second woman's name, that alone makes it a classic.

Patrice Speaks For Funny
So about 9 years ago Opie and Anthony got suspended for having a homeless guy in studio who said ridiculous shit. This was right around when Imus got fired and radio suddenly became a forum where you couldn't say anything. Even satellite radio, which started as a free space to say anything, started to police language. Patrice O'Neal came out in their defense. What he did was the most masterful defense of comedy I've ever witnessed. He made a feminist who said rape is never funny, laugh at a rape joke. Tre genius at work.

BONUS-The Day After Patrice Died
If you're a Patrice fan and never listened to this, you should. It's Opie and Anthony the day after Patrice died with Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Joe Rogen, Amy Schumer Dave Attell and a bunch of others just telling stories. It's how I hope people treat my death. People who loved me but are able to shit on me, remembering me for the shithead I am.

So if you never saw these, I hope you liked them. If you didn't know of Patrice I hope I turned you on to him. And if you read this whole thing and just think I'm a douche, that sound about right.

Friday, November 18, 2016

TIM MILLER OWES A GUY 10 GRAND AFTER TRUMP WIN

VIDEO-Tim Miller Owes This Guy 10 Grand After Trump Win
First of all, I apologize I couldn't embed this video. Click the link above. I'm blind, get off my ass. So anyways, the gist of this video is that Tim Miller, former supporter of Jeb Bush who railed against Donald Trump's nomination and was so confident Trump would lose that he offered to bet anyone 1,000 bucks. This guy, @Overtongringo on Twitter took him up on it as long as he got 10 to 1 odds. Tim Miller accepted and to show he was serious, this Overtongringo sent Miller a check for the full thousand, post dated two days after the election. The video is very well done and shows that this wasn't just some Twitter argument. It was a legitimate bet. And I don't know how things would've been under Hillar. But in Trump's America, ya pay your debts bitch.

Now I'm not a huge Trump guy, I didn't vote for him. But I'm very much in favor of justice being served in the form of pestering the shit out of people until they do what's right. Typically, Twitter trolls have no purpose and are just annoying. But every once in a great while they find a cause to rally around that can really do some good. So tweet @Timodc and remind him that a bet is a bet. Remind him that in gambling, there is no sure thing. And you never give odds you can't make good on.

MOOKIE BETTS GOT ROBBED IN THE MVP VOTING

A travesty went down last night. Mike Trout won the MVP over the best player in baseball in 2016, Mookie Betts . I may have to go Kate Upton on this one. My man has been wronged and I need to stand by him. Any coincidence that a young black man was wronged in Trump's America? I think not. Call in Jackie Chiles. Round up all the hipsters you know that are all cried out over Hillary Clinton and send them down to MLB Headquarters. Finally that racist city of Boston allowed a man of color on the field and this is how he's treated. This isn't the America I want my kids to up cleaning up fin.
Now that I've established I could take Dan Le Batard's job in a heartbeat, I'll admit Mike Trout may eventually go down as the greatest player of all time. And if he played on any less of a disaster than the Angels, he'd have 5 MVP's right now. But that's just the problem. His team stinks. And if you put up Barry Bonds at the peak of his skull expansion type numbers, I'm okay with you winning. But when the numbers are pretty much equal, I give it to the guy who made the playoffs over the guy who finished 20 games back. He made the All Star game as a leadoff hitter and ended the season cleaning up for the greatest DH of All Time. He's the best defensive player in baseball. He had more clutch moments than Trout. He just had more of an impact this year than Trout. It's tough to blame Trout for being on a shit team in a sport where one guy can't carry you. And I watched almost every game Mookie played and almost none of Trout's. And Ortiz definitely took votes away from him. But like my race baiting brethren, I'm not going to let facts cloud my argument. So I hope these privileged, white writers writers will realize the error of their ways. Mookie's the MVP in these weak eyes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

TOM BRADY DOES COMMERCIAL MAKING LIGHT OF DEFLATEGATE

Further evidence Tom Brady is an innocent man. You don't see Peyton Manning doing Papa John's commercials mocking his sexual assault claims... Alright, they'd really have to shoehorn that in and it probably wouldn't move many pies. But point made. Usually people aren't so quick to make light of something if they're actually guilty. Ok, OJ did write a book called If I Did It. But are all the immediate examples I think of that disprove my point making me any less confident. No sir. And that's the real key. It's not a lie, if you believe it.
Now I obviously don't think Tom Brady is guilty of everything that was claimed. But it's become part of the narrative when people talk about the GOAT. A lot of people would run and hide from this. And based off his interaction with the media, it looked like TB12 mighta been one of those guys. So it's good to see him fuck around like this. Embracing something takes the power away from everyone who wants to attack you for it. So good work as always Tommy. Deny til ya die brother. But keep making fun of yourself.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

6 THINGS BRENDAN DASSEY NEEDS TO DO WHEN HE GETS OUT OF JAIL

Brendan Dassey is getting out of jail. This poor idiot became the only person our PC world has deemed it okay to call retarded. And while there was a lot of debate as to how accurate the Making a Murderer series when it came to Stephen Avery, everyone agreed this rube wasn't clever enough to tie his own shoes. Never mind cover up a murder. But Brendan has a lot of catching up to do. That was the case before he did 10 years in jail. So now he's really behind the 8 ball. I'll explain that expression to him later.

1. Look up the definition of Consistent
When Brendan left us, I think it was before the first iPhone. Or certainly before they were delivered by horse to Manitowoc County. Now Brendan can just ask Google or Siri the definition of thousands of words. Rather than his mom, who was clearly no help. Now Brendan may think, but won't I have to learn how to spell these words first. Rest easy champ. With voice recognition, spelling is a thing of the past.

2. Download Tinder
I don't see Brendan getting much response on Bumble. But Tinder may have just the type of low-brow shit Brendan is looking for. Now it is crucial, Brendan, that with this app, you know right from left. So just think to yourself, Yes is the hand I skin cats with. Left is the one I don't.

3. Go to WrestleMania
This one is hack, but necessary. The joy Twitter will feel from the gif's that come from his dumb face enjoying the People's elbow knows no bounds. And yes, I realize me saying People's Elbow was like my mom trying to relate to me through football. But you get my point.

4. Get all forms of social media
Tell me you're not curious about Dassey's thoughts on life. Him live tweeting or periscoping events would be gold. And if it turns out he was guilty, he might just tell us at some point.

5. Run for some type of office
This is Trump's America baby. There are no rules. This dummy could get elected somewhere. He could ru on some type of prison reform platform. Now, I'd guarantee he has no idea what that means. But that's the beauty. Silly things like experience and qualifications are a thing of the past. Dassey 2020 has a nice ring to it.

6. Watch Making a Murderer
Dude, it was so good. You'll love it. It's on Netflix, I'll set you up with an account if you need it. Shhhh everyone. I'm trying to see how many episodes it takes before he realizes what it's about.

Of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, the Avery family seemed to stand alone. But jokes aside, it really seemed like this kid didn't do anything and was tricked into confessing. So I think it's a good thing he's out. Now lets just cross our fingers and hope he doesn't take out his revenge on us.

Monday, November 14, 2016

WANDA SYKES EMBARRASSED HERSELF AT COMICS COME HOME IN BOSTON

I am so tired of writing about this shit but it keeps happening. There is an Amber Alert out for comedy. It is nowhere to be found because people have lost their minds. Apparently the election results were a tragedy like this country has never seen. So much so that we can't even joke about it. Thank god for Dave Chappelle saving SNL Saturday or you would've seen mass suicides from the depression that set in after that ridiculous open. Now at a charity event, Wanda Sykes tells an arena full of people to go fuck themselves. The crowd, thinking she was a comedian, expected jokes. Instead they received a scolding. Because we all know the key ingredient to key to comedy is giving the crowd a stern talking to.
The one claim Wanda made that I hear a lot but can't wrap my head around is homophobic. You can argue that Trump is a racist or sexist in whichever direction you'd like. But I don't think he's ever said anything homophobic. But I guess it's just fun to add things on. But look beyond the content of what she said. I'm looking for the humor and I can't find it anywhere. The comedy world has been given a gift like they've never seen with Donald Trump actually being our President. If you can't make that funny, get off the stage. Especially at a charity event. People aren't there to see a sermon. It's not your job as a comic to reprimand people who didn't vote they way you wanted. I'm sick of the whining. George Carlin and Richard Pryor are the greatest ever because they talked about real issues but were able to make it funny. They didn't do it by yelling at the audience.
Now I've heard Nick DiPaolo got some heat as well. If there's video, send it my way but I haven't seen it yet. So I'm just basing this on listening to Nick for years and having seen him live. I would bet good money that the quotes from Nick, included in articles written about this, shouldn't be read in the tone they're framed in. Stand-up doesn't translate to paper. Nick's entire act is saying offensive shit, but making it hilarious. Something that used to be a staple of comedy. But instead, you'll hear Wanda praised for what she said and did, and Nick called a racist, sexist pig. Claims we love throwing around now. It's like when the doctor hits your knee to test your reflexes. We kick out a label of the most horrible shit you can call someone, and that's just what they are now. Without dissecting context or tone.
So in that spirit, I'll give Wanda the benefit of the doubt. We only get the last few seconds of her set in this clip. I don't know what lead to it. But when you hear people call her brave and progressive and label Dipaolo a bigot, ask them if they're doing the same.

PS-I heard Bill Burr got the show back on track and killed. Of course he did. He's the greatest.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

LAST NIGHT'S SNL OPEN WAS THE WORST THING EVER ON TV

Rest in Peace Hillary Clinton. I thought her death would've been much bigger news but SNL was the first place I heard about it. Actually that's not true. Miley Cyrus and a few hysterically crying college kids told me, but I didn't believe it. But the official last rights were read on SNL last night.Some think this open was just because she lost the election. That can't be true. SNL has mocked a lot of elections and they always have a funny open about the outcome. So this must be different. Someone must have died. In fact, one death wouldn't warrant this melodramatic wrist cutting session. The only time they've put on this type of AJ Soprano, woe is me act  is after 9/11. Now I don't know if you kids ever heard about 9/11, but it was a rough day. Some might say, it hurt as much as two Hillary losses in one day. Alright, it wasn't that bad, but it was rough. So whatever tragedy was done unto Hillary Clinton, rivaled the worst tragedy in this country's history.
Listen, I didn't vote for anyone. So I don't know what it's like to have my team lose. And I live in MA so you can't blame me. But when did Hillary Clinton become a Goddess that died on the cross for freedom. To get into a bathtub and open a vein over a politician losing an election. I won't even be one of those guys who lists her flaws. This is over the top for anyone. I love my mom but when she dies you won't see me playing piano singing Ave Maria.
SNL has made their political leanings obvious for years. And honestly I'm fine with that. I'd like everyone to trash both sides the way they deserve but that'll never happen. Everyone has their biases. It's one thing to hint at which side you favor. But I remember Romney and McKaine losing. You guys at SNL made fun of them. Plenty voted fr and supported them. I don't remember the episode where they held a candlelight vigil and got on their knees and wept for them. She's a politician. They're very rarely great people and there's plenty of evidence Hillary is even worse than a lot of them. To get under the covers and sob like this childish and sad.
The last line of this disaster is, I haven't given up and neither should you. Ya know, the line motivational speakers give to cancer patients and disaster survivors. It's now applied to someone losing an election. My generation turned on this episode to watch a legend host and see an open bashing Trump. Even Dave Chappelle's monologue felt a little preachy but he was making jokes. The open was just losing sight of what you are. They've gone from a comedy show that comments on the tone of the country, to believing they're campaigning for Democrats and making a difference. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe a melodramatic, self indulgent song is the way every comedy show should open.They just won't have me watching.

Friday, November 11, 2016

COLLEGE STUDENTS NEED TO STOP BEING CODDLED

As someone who has dealt with actual depression, if you threaten to kill yourself over who is President, please do it. Don't tease us. Wipe yourself off this planet. Because if you're childish enough to, as an adult, break down in tears, threaten suicide and post it to the internet, over a politician winning an election, this world has no time for you. You're a child who has been given everything they want by mommy and daddy and told you're special.
The people crying over Trump winning are exactly why Trump won. People are tired of America needing to be a safe space. And the complete dismissal of people who feel that way is why Trump was able to gain support no matter what ridiculous shit came out of his mouth. People need to stop being so concerned with scolding people who don't use the exact right pronouns, adjectives, prefixes, suffixes, and acronyms, and focus on intent. Have a real discussion with someone and find out what they mean before you label them a racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic monsters.
There are hateful pieces of shit out there. But lumping everyone in who doesn't use the language you prefer as a racist, devalues the word completely. If you voiced your points without breaking down in tears, crying bigotry or demanding firings, people would respect you. Curling up into a ball an saying your safe space is being invaded, just because you saw Vote Trump written on a chalk board makes you look silly.
It's not entirely your fault though, kids. Colleges are not only allowing this silly horseshit, but encouraging it. College students around the country could skip class this week, if they weren't mentally ready to handle the election results. Not because they went to war or saw a head in their freezer. Because a man they didn't vote for won an election. In the end college students are just kids trying to be adults. They think they look smart and progressive and just have the misfortune of growing up in the internet age. The real crime is these colleges enabling them.
 
It's perfectly valid for people to be pissed Trump won. It's even okay for some people to be a little scared. But acting like a toddler who had their toy taken away, allows no one to respect you. Your opinion will never be heard through the tears and snot bubbles. So splash some water on your face, take a deep breath, and do this.
And Coppola really should've written Act like and adult. I hope this didn't trigger anyone.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

CAST A VOTE THAT MATTERS, YES ON QUESTION 4

I realize every hippy and stoner has made the argument for legalized weed for decades. But as a resident of Massachusetts, today may be my last chance. So just let me have my fun. The polls that are out there show a landslide victory for recreational weed. The thing I'm still baffled by is, the people that care enough to go out and vote No.
Really a tribute to that guys acting that he was able to pull off that scene while he was diddling kids. But the opposition you usually hear is not against weed itself. It's the gateway drug. mantra. Which I actually agree with. But not in the use of drugs. In the selling. I know plenty of kids who sold weed in high school and college. some of them, whether because of the money, lifestyle or pressure, moved on to sell actual drugs. I don't know anyone that dove right in to selling coke, but I do know a kid or two that went to jail for it. Having weed legalized eliminates all the kids who start selling pot to make a few bucks or just have it around, and prevents them from going down that rabbit hole. I also know drug addicts who are just out of it now. None of their vices were weed. I've seen many kids just out of it because of booze and pills. I've never met a weed addict who couldn't stop smoking if they needed to.
 
At this point, I'm probably making a straw man argument. Every time this comes up, people say, it's not as bad as booze or cigarettes. And no one in my generation is really against it. But I feel the benefits of it are also worth mentioning. It will bring in tax revenue and you won't have people in jail for a crime 15 year olds commit. There are still people sitting in a jail in Denver for something that's now legal there.
I can't imagine I did much to convince anyone that didn't already have their mind made up. But on a day where we have to decide between the giant douche and shit sandwich, I just couldn't write another Trump blog. So if you're in MA or one of the other states with recreational marijuana on the ballot, vote Yes. Then we can all get too high to care which monster is in office, together.

Monday, November 7, 2016

DON'T JUST VOTE

Every election we hear this message of Just Vote. It's entire message seems lazy. It doesn't matter how much effort you put into learning the facts or your passion behind a candidate, just mindlessly vote. It's a motto that should've gone with American Idol voting or the MLB All Star game. Not when selecting the most powerful leader on the planet. Every 4 years that I've been alive, I've heard two things. Like clockwork, people say, This is the most important election this country has ever had, and, Just get out and vote. So no matter your ignorance, just help make a decision on this supposedly really important thing. And none of us really have a say. Call that a defeatist attitude, but the day an election goes one way because I stayed home, I'll start to change my tune.
Both sides admit Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the worst pair of candidates we've ever had. Yet I'm an asshole, not doing my civic duty for not picking one of them. I'm closest to being a libertarian if I had to pick a party. But Gary Johnson is another moron I can't vote for. No one showing up to the polls tomorrow would send a greater message about the system than some pothead stealing a few thousand votes from the two circus freaks we've chosen as candidates.
If you're passionate about one of the candidates, or more likely, passionately against one, go vote. If you feel you know the issues and who you support, have a ball. But the idea that every asshole with an ID should vote is just childish. As a man who interacts with the dregs of society that make up public transportation, I assure you, there are plenty of people that shouldn't have a say tomorrow.
And if you kind of agree with me but still want to feel like you made a difference tomorrow, I have a solution. In the state of Massachusetts, vote Yes on question 4. Once that goes through, we'll all be a little less worked up about this shit.