Tuesday, November 15, 2016

6 THINGS BRENDAN DASSEY NEEDS TO DO WHEN HE GETS OUT OF JAIL

Brendan Dassey is getting out of jail. This poor idiot became the only person our PC world has deemed it okay to call retarded. And while there was a lot of debate as to how accurate the Making a Murderer series when it came to Stephen Avery, everyone agreed this rube wasn't clever enough to tie his own shoes. Never mind cover up a murder. But Brendan has a lot of catching up to do. That was the case before he did 10 years in jail. So now he's really behind the 8 ball. I'll explain that expression to him later.

1. Look up the definition of Consistent
When Brendan left us, I think it was before the first iPhone. Or certainly before they were delivered by horse to Manitowoc County. Now Brendan can just ask Google or Siri the definition of thousands of words. Rather than his mom, who was clearly no help. Now Brendan may think, but won't I have to learn how to spell these words first. Rest easy champ. With voice recognition, spelling is a thing of the past.

2. Download Tinder
I don't see Brendan getting much response on Bumble. But Tinder may have just the type of low-brow shit Brendan is looking for. Now it is crucial, Brendan, that with this app, you know right from left. So just think to yourself, Yes is the hand I skin cats with. Left is the one I don't.

3. Go to WrestleMania
This one is hack, but necessary. The joy Twitter will feel from the gif's that come from his dumb face enjoying the People's elbow knows no bounds. And yes, I realize me saying People's Elbow was like my mom trying to relate to me through football. But you get my point.

4. Get all forms of social media
Tell me you're not curious about Dassey's thoughts on life. Him live tweeting or periscoping events would be gold. And if it turns out he was guilty, he might just tell us at some point.

5. Run for some type of office
This is Trump's America baby. There are no rules. This dummy could get elected somewhere. He could ru on some type of prison reform platform. Now, I'd guarantee he has no idea what that means. But that's the beauty. Silly things like experience and qualifications are a thing of the past. Dassey 2020 has a nice ring to it.

6. Watch Making a Murderer
Dude, it was so good. You'll love it. It's on Netflix, I'll set you up with an account if you need it. Shhhh everyone. I'm trying to see how many episodes it takes before he realizes what it's about.

Of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, the Avery family seemed to stand alone. But jokes aside, it really seemed like this kid didn't do anything and was tricked into confessing. So I think it's a good thing he's out. Now lets just cross our fingers and hope he doesn't take out his revenge on us.

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