Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I CAN SAVE ESPN

ESPN is cleaning house. For over a year, subscribers have been jumping ship due to lack of entertaining content and the appearance of biased reporting Now they're dumping talent, buying out contracts and seem to be in financial ruin  And while the deterioration of the Worldwide Leader seems like news, if you've been paying attention, you've seen this day coming for a long time. And it's not because they pay no-talent's like Dan LeBatard more than what he deserves (minimum wage). It's because they gave people like that a platform to begin with  And while being PC and race baiting may be popular in society these days, it's not entertaining. It's become the norm to throw out baseless accusations of racism and misogyny. And while you'll get pats on the back from Twitter and will always have a seat at the PC cool kids table, it doesn't buy you ratings.
I, like many Patriots fans, have 0 respect for ESPN. And while most are celebrating the demise of the Mothership, I'm broken up about it. What fun is being a superhero if your nemesis just lays down and gives up. So, I'm extending my wing and opening a spot right under it. If ESPN wants to take it, here's all they have to do.

1. Get Rid Of The 6.
Seems obvious. I mean, we all know it's terrible, right? So, let's move on.

2. White Men Are Your Friend.
We all know white men are a stain on society. Evil people, every one of them. But some of them are entertaining. So suppress your urge to say I'm Mansplaining, and just listen. If you find an entertaining man, even if he's white, give him a shot.

3. Learn From Your Enemies.
There's a reason Bill Simmons and Pardon My Take kick your ass in podcasting every week. People like cursing. People like jokes People like shit you can't get EVERYWHERE. Embrace the internet. Use it to put out edgy content. Stop allowing your billion dollar company to lose out to guys in their garage.

4. MOST IMPORTANT-Stop being pussies.
I apologize for the hardo lede, but grow a fucking backbone. When one of your guys gets in trouble, talk about it. You can't ignore controversy anymore. If someone tweets something dumb, let him defend himself. This will do two things. A. Provide content. B. Maybe not ruin an innocent persons reputation. Don't turn the network into TMZ. But when something comes up, defend your talent. At least for, like, a minute.

I hope they listen to my advice. If not, we will all get the benefit of watching this garbage pile of a network go up in flames Either way, entertainment is a guarantee.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

THE BIGGEST JOKE IN COMEDY, DIVERSITY

Race and gender now consume the hearts and minds of our society. The Me Generation, which I am a part of, thrive on attention. There's no quicker way to get thaon a t than standing up and crying bigotry. Comedy is no different. And as a comedy fan, I've noticed a deterioration in thinking over the last decade The conversation is no longer who is funniest. It's shifted to always looking for who is being excluded. If there's a show starring all men, we ignore the quality and ask where the women are. If there's a show with all white people, we assume they can't possibly be the best people for the job and accuse them of racism. We don't want an accurate representation of our community. We just want a cause that makes us feel important.
The worst part about the people that put diversity over quality is, they're the most marginalizing, exclusionary people that exist. They want to push forward Hispanic comedians. But it will never be someone like Luis J. Gomez. Because he doesn't call himself a beaner and put on a silly accent. They want to push forward gay comedians. But it will never be someone like Tim Dillon. Because he isn't a flamboyant caricature. They put people into categories and decide who should be allowed to succeed. And the most disturbing trend is that straight, white men don't have a seat at that table. Because these champions of equality and progression have decided your race and gender should dictate success. And if you're a white guy, you shouldn't be judged on skill or merit. But rather, what people who looked like you did in the past.
Now, the people I'm talking about will read this and use the atomic bomb of racism to squash my argument. They'll say I'm just an angry, hateful white guy But first of all, I'm legally blind. I don't see color. Or much of anything really. I'm one of those disabled's you pretend to care about. More importantly, my taste in comedy isn't clouded by race or gender. I like white comics like Louis CK, Bill Burr and John Mulaney. I like black comics like Dave Chappelle, Hannibal Burress and Michael Che. I support men like Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope and ladies like Chelsea Peretti and Nikki Glasser. But what I hate is that I have to list who I'm into, like I'm submitting my resume for approval to prove my opinion should be allowed. There's no quicker way to silence someone then by slapping the scarlet R for racism on their chest. But not everyone that thinks of white men as equals has fantasies 1800's southern plantations. Some of us are just calling out a clear hypocrisy.
Now, I also realize writing something like this is futile. The clip I used of Jerry Seinfeld is from a few years ago and while he put it far more brilliantly than I ever could, his message was ignored. But I wrote this because I believe in it. While others write things for Twitter applause, I try to make points I know I can defend And I'd love to debate anyone who disagrees with me because I like a debate and I know there's substance behind my words So we can have that discussion. Or you can continue to put your fingers in your ears and cry racism. Just know, it's up to you.